I wish that I understood the human brain better, because if I did then I would be able to understand what is actually happening inside your mind when you get completely overwhelmed. Is it little neurons firing off, telling your brain to respond in a hyper-reactive way, or is it simply just your emotional side entering into uncharted, uncontrollable waters and it’s just learning how it needs to respond to stay afloat?
Our wedding started at 6 PM, and by 4:00 the rain had actually stopped. But we should backup to a few hours earlier when a few key people were extremely late. They say it just takes one little thing to happen to set everything off, and this was that for me. For some reason, it was enough to create utter chaos in my head. My logical side said that everything was going to be fine, but my emotional side told me that they were late, it was ruining my schedule, no one was going to come because of the rain, and where the hell was my Mom? I literally could not pull myself out of these thoughts.You should seriously know that this isn’t me- I don’t have a past record of extreme anxiety, but I guess it’s true that you’ll never know how you’re going to respond until you just do.
But anyways, by 4:00 everyone was ready, my Mom was finally with me, just where I needed her, we were putting on my dress, everyone was finally here and…. that’s all I’ve got. I have no concrete memories from the time that people were late until the time I had my dress on. I let my stress and emotions be the overarching memory instead of being bothered to solidify a single moment of this precious process inside my mind. That’s a loss.
By 5:30 we were done taking pictures and we were back up at the house watching the guests trickle down to the barn. I was really calm, almost in a trance like state just watching the whole thing go by around me. It feels like a dream, just so you know. You spend hundreds of hours creating your grand idea of what your wedding will be, and when the first guest arrives, it’s no longer your dream but it’s their current reality. It’s this beautiful moment when your expectations vs. your current reality don’t matter because it’s already happening anyway. Nothing matters except the fact that this is finally happening. And then, where was my Dad? Where the hell was my Dad? I can’t go down without my Dad, where IS my Dad? Remember how I begged my parents to do this at their house? Well, my Mom and Dad spent every second up until the wedding trying to make sure those dreams that I had created in the details were right. The rain pushed everyone off schedule, so in this minute my Dad was sweetly making sure that everything that could be done, was, but to me, he was just not where I needed him to be, and that was when I went back to the place where my emotions overtook my expectations.
Tomorrow, I’m going to tell you how the greatest point of my anxiety became my absolute greatest memory of joy. I told you, I love this story. Everyone loves a happy ending.